Baby Russian Roulette

Posted on by milkdrank

The first Trimester, thats a doozy.  Before I knew I was pregnant I felt an influx of hormones crashing over me in a tsunami type whirlwind of emotions. Of course i just thought that my beloved moon spirit time was approuching. But when the accompanying tenderness and increase in hooters size ensued, I started to feel like something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

My Fiancé  and I where taking a vacation up to beautiful South Lake Tahoe on a whim, in January and it was beautiful. We have some very fond memories of that trip, beautiful sunsets, hot tubing in the snow, exploring local coffee shops……..and fighting a lot. I don’t remember exactly what we  where fighting about but I do remember I had a zit the size of Texas on my forehead (most likely from the hormones raging threw my body), I would cry at the drop of a hat, like literally ANYTHING could make me cry, and I was like an angry bee that was ready and willing to sting anything that brushed by my path.

So, unbeknownst to me…I had a little baby making its way down my ovaries at this point. Well according to my baby app, it was about the size of a microscopic dot. But by this time it was a well planet seed of doubt that my Aunt Flow was coming to visit me this month and there became a ever so slight thread of pulsating panic in the back of my mind. Now, to set the stage, My fiancé and I had been dating 3 months, fell madly in love and then he asked me to marry him. Somewhere amidst this bath of lovey gooey pink cloud honey moon phase, we got an injection of biological warfare from our baby making instincts and mass hysteria BABY FEVER ensued. We had talked about the possibility of having kids and it just melted into our already ridiculous amount of love we where feeling for each other, so we played baby Russian roulette.

I think I thought I was somehow immune to catching a baby, or this is some awful trick our brain plays on us as women, the thought that I couldn’t possibly get pregnant. Well Newsflash it is very possible. But my prehistoric brain was activated, and it was telling me, ‘you have found a suitable mate with all the desires to make good offspring, must make babies now to populate the earth and save our species’ or whatever the hell goes on in biological attack that happens in your ovaries.

When someone says their ovaries “hurt” around babies its because they do. It’s like a real thing, I held a baby one time, and my ovaries went fucking haywire. They where like a toddler in the checkout line at the grocery store begging for that piece of candy ever so strategically placed on the way out from the store, and after the mom says, “no, not today sweetie” a full out, balls to the wall, leg kicking, ground punching, high pitch shrieking tantrum, happened in my lady parts. The exorcist child in my uterus said that a baby is going to posses me from now on. And the demon inside me got what it wanted. Through sly trickery, and manipulation.

So, fast forward to the pregnancy test, I was sort of shocked slash not really surprised i ended up 24 and pregnant. But know I sure as Hell googled how accurate those pregnancy test really where and insisted that we try another one in a week ‘just incase’ this one was defective. And reality really set in, the pink fluffy cloud we had been floating on parted and we where forced to realize that there was a very large metaphorical hill we had to barge over. A hill that had a crying baby attached in a modern, eco-friendly, frog leg carrieing (because its better for their hips) harness that would be forever strapped to us. And then we decided to do it, full fledged, lets start Pintristing the nursery, shopping for maternity clothes, move out of our college style apartment we share with 6 people, DOING IT.

And being pregnant/having a baby was like one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. I mean don’t get me wrong, making a tiny human inside of you is like some crazy X-Files shit, and I was in awe of the majestic portal that my body had now become, but lets just say I am not one of those glowing super happy pregnant ladies. I have to pee, and when I say I have to pee, I mean I had to pee five minutes ago. And there is NO WRATH like the wrath of a pregnant woman when she’s hungry and can’t decide what she wants to eat, or even worse when she finally does and then realizes that she can not have a salami sandwich because A. it would give her devil worshipping hat burn, and B. because it has fucking deli meat in it. Seriously, FUCK YOU LISTERIA.

And the hormones, and not to mention doubling or tripling in size, having everyone comment on your body, and having to find new clothes to fit your wide baring girth. Being Pregnant is single handedly the most uncomfortable experience one (well technically 2 or 3) people have to go through. Straight up some Bulllshiet.

24 and pregnant 

Posted on by milkdrank

My fiancé (let’s call him Brian) and I had been together for 3 months when he asked me to marry him. And that was pretty nutzo as it is. A month later we decided to have a baby. And by decided I mean I held a baby one day for a friend and my ovaries decided to start the production on full drive and I could feel them awaken like sleeping Dracula when a human came near his cave, except my human was a baby human. After this encounter, the once dreaded idea of ever producing little evil spawns of myself started to sound…..may I say romantic? I had just met the man of my dreams (I’m sure your thinking, you knew him 3 months!!) but truth is we just knew, and when my birth control prescription was up, we sure as hell didn’t stop us from doing the nasty, in fact it added fuel to the fire. We did it all the time, and talked about having kids and joked about it. And some weird biological stuff started to happen where even though we were practicing the ever so safe method of “pulling out” part of my brain screamed and pleaded in a demonic voice to PUT A BABY IN ME. Now this however does not mean that my pregnancy was totally planned because it wasn’t, I was under the guise that for what ever stupid reason that my uterus was untouchable, I have never been pregnant before so I thought, “not me, couldn’t happen”. So while we knew we wanted to experience life with each other a lot longer before we added a third wheel, logic did not win. We thought we would maybe go traveling, save some money, get the dog first, yada yada…. Logic went out the window and the crazy yearning in my ovaries was fulfilled- a few times… So even though it shouldn’t have been a surprise when my boobs started doubling in size and my mood swings started going like a blind man up at bat, my body acting like an I ineffective type writer (I’ve been waiting my entire life to use a reference from Grease) it was a huge “oh shit” moment!  Earlier that year Brian’s best friend and my friend had started dating, hence how we met, and they had gotten pregnant around 4 months into their relationship. Oh the shit we talked about how f-ing nuts they where to have a kid and barely know each other……be careful what you say. But for them just as us we decided it was a great thing and really didn’t think twice about it. Scared shitless, yes. None of our close friends really had kids. And if they did it was a big uh-oh when they where younger. So besides this friend that had gotten pregnant about 6 months before me, I didn’t know who to turn to. Being the good millennial that I am, the interment became my guide. From WebMD to pregnancy apps, pintristing pregnancy announcements, (check out our picture) and googling what I can and cannot eat while pregnant. I don’t know how before smart phones women didn’t have babies with 5 arms there are so many damn rules to follow. But after I downloaded 5 different pregnancy apps, I felt like I knew more than my OBGYN. Hell, I could get an attatchment for my iPhone and give myself ultrasounds… Except that I need her to sift out the fact from fiction on the various pregnancy forums and Internet information I had found. I have stayed up many a sleepless nights wondering if that peice of raw fish that touched my plate when we went out to sushi was gonna make my baby turn into a creature of the lagoon monster. Ridden with guilt and anxiety when I would pass by a person smoking. But it all turned out fine….

Oh and all the preggo selfies…..more to come. 

those are brians and I’s hands used as little feetsies!

What it Means to be a Millennial Mom

Posted on by milkdrank

So I’m what some people call a “Millennial Mom”, what is this you may ask? A Millennial is what people call my generation, the 20-30 somethings of this day and age. Unlike most of my fellows in the world today I decided to start a family at 25. Most Millennials wait until their 30 these days to settle down and start popping out the kiddos. Why, you ask? Because everyone just graduated school, they are still usually working as a barista at the local coffee shop and too busy keeping up apperences drinking Pabst and smoking cigerettes in their local dive bars, and “discovering” the newest super hipster band. Most of my friends are just now exploring the dating seen and are no where ready to settle down and start a family.

My fiancé and I where not unlike our peers, until we met each other. We paroozed the local bars, had various bad relationships, and by no means where we thinking about meeting someone and getting married, let alone a child. But today we are only a year and a half into our relationship, engaged, and with a 4 month old. But I get it, having a kid right now when all of your friends are still partying and living with 8 roommates doesn’t sound like a blast. Sometimes it isn’t but most the time it is and I wouldn’t give it up for the world.

It does come with its own trials and tribulations. New parenthood can be isolating, new parenthood when barely any of your friends or peer groups have kids- a fucking Sahara Dessert. Obviously I don’t blame my friends (if your reading this, I really do get it- please don’t leave me I scarcely see you as it is) like I can’t grab a bite for lunch really willy nilly, want to go to that show of that awesome band we both love, going to get a pedicure at a last minutes notice? HAHAHAHA funniest joke I’ve heard this month.  Its culture shock to say the least. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t try.

In a world of selfies, posting everything online, from placentas to forever encapsulating your child’s every milestone, nothing is safe from public over sharing.