The first Trimester, thats a doozy. Before I knew I was pregnant I felt an influx of hormones crashing over me in a tsunami type whirlwind of emotions. Of course i just thought that my beloved moon spirit time was approuching. But when the accompanying tenderness and increase in hooters size ensued, I started to feel like something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.
My Fiancé and I where taking a vacation up to beautiful South Lake Tahoe on a whim, in January and it was beautiful. We have some very fond memories of that trip, beautiful sunsets, hot tubing in the snow, exploring local coffee shops……..and fighting a lot. I don’t remember exactly what we where fighting about but I do remember I had a zit the size of Texas on my forehead (most likely from the hormones raging threw my body), I would cry at the drop of a hat, like literally ANYTHING could make me cry, and I was like an angry bee that was ready and willing to sting anything that brushed by my path.
So, unbeknownst to me…I had a little baby making its way down my ovaries at this point. Well according to my baby app, it was about the size of a microscopic dot. But by this time it was a well planet seed of doubt that my Aunt Flow was coming to visit me this month and there became a ever so slight thread of pulsating panic in the back of my mind. Now, to set the stage, My fiancé and I had been dating 3 months, fell madly in love and then he asked me to marry him. Somewhere amidst this bath of lovey gooey pink cloud honey moon phase, we got an injection of biological warfare from our baby making instincts and mass hysteria BABY FEVER ensued. We had talked about the possibility of having kids and it just melted into our already ridiculous amount of love we where feeling for each other, so we played baby Russian roulette.
I think I thought I was somehow immune to catching a baby, or this is some awful trick our brain plays on us as women, the thought that I couldn’t possibly get pregnant. Well Newsflash it is very possible. But my prehistoric brain was activated, and it was telling me, ‘you have found a suitable mate with all the desires to make good offspring, must make babies now to populate the earth and save our species’ or whatever the hell goes on in biological attack that happens in your ovaries.
When someone says their ovaries “hurt” around babies its because they do. It’s like a real thing, I held a baby one time, and my ovaries went fucking haywire. They where like a toddler in the checkout line at the grocery store begging for that piece of candy ever so strategically placed on the way out from the store, and after the mom says, “no, not today sweetie” a full out, balls to the wall, leg kicking, ground punching, high pitch shrieking tantrum, happened in my lady parts. The exorcist child in my uterus said that a baby is going to posses me from now on. And the demon inside me got what it wanted. Through sly trickery, and manipulation.
So, fast forward to the pregnancy test, I was sort of shocked slash not really surprised i ended up 24 and pregnant. But know I sure as Hell googled how accurate those pregnancy test really where and insisted that we try another one in a week ‘just incase’ this one was defective. And reality really set in, the pink fluffy cloud we had been floating on parted and we where forced to realize that there was a very large metaphorical hill we had to barge over. A hill that had a crying baby attached in a modern, eco-friendly, frog leg carrieing (because its better for their hips) harness that would be forever strapped to us. And then we decided to do it, full fledged, lets start Pintristing the nursery, shopping for maternity clothes, move out of our college style apartment we share with 6 people, DOING IT.
And being pregnant/having a baby was like one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. I mean don’t get me wrong, making a tiny human inside of you is like some crazy X-Files shit, and I was in awe of the majestic portal that my body had now become, but lets just say I am not one of those glowing super happy pregnant ladies. I have to pee, and when I say I have to pee, I mean I had to pee five minutes ago. And there is NO WRATH like the wrath of a pregnant woman when she’s hungry and can’t decide what she wants to eat, or even worse when she finally does and then realizes that she can not have a salami sandwich because A. it would give her devil worshipping hat burn, and B. because it has fucking deli meat in it. Seriously, FUCK YOU LISTERIA.
And the hormones, and not to mention doubling or tripling in size, having everyone comment on your body, and having to find new clothes to fit your wide baring girth. Being Pregnant is single handedly the most uncomfortable experience one (well technically 2 or 3) people have to go through. Straight up some Bulllshiet.